No, me no want no promotion. Me don’t want to be no man. Who want to be human being today? Pastor be rapist, judge be hitman, journalist be mob. All you crazy.
I ma happy stay baboon. Please Master Scientist, get me out of laboratory. Let me go back home in jungle to wander wid oder apes again. Me can’t stand air conditioner. It make me sick as dog.
Dis pocket phone of yours, tweet like little bird all de time, make me sick in stomach. People make pooh wid dey moud all de time.
Maybe my Master Scientist become better scientist, make nappies for dey moud, especially for journalist so dey speak wid decorum. So dey keep criticise and tell trud, but dey respect oder man and respect self. Like good family man and family woman. Dey make many baby, but dey don’t make baby in street in front of everybody. Dey make wid secret, in bedroom, under blanket, in dark room.
Nobody see, nobody hear, but making someding beautiful, baby. When baby come out everybody cry … ooh cute … cute baby … lovely baby … everybody look daddy and say ooh congratulations … but still, baby made wid secret … wid respect.
Journalist must be like dat. Dey must tell de trud … but dey must tell no f-word like dey is dog making baby in front of everybody.
[Baboon laughs]. Ooh human being be funny. Him fight over land like we baboon in jungle. Land belong to all. Lion come, we go up tree. Leopard come, we take our children, we run way. Leopard eat our children. Springbok come, we catch baby springbok, chew him.
We chew nut. Squirrel chew nut, everybody happy. Pydon come we run. Pydon eat us. You mans? You fight over land. People of Zimbabwe have land, but dey all in Soud Africa. Leave dey land alone, go dere. Land no do noding. Man do someding. Man wake up. Man work.
I see many small men march on street looking red like is been bitten by lion, dey make noise … we want land, we want land. Can’t make no garden at dey home, but say dey want land. Dey can’t clean no house, how dey going to keep de big man shelter?
Baboon be babble better. Baboon be still when oder baboon make sound. Baboon listen each oder. Maybe danger. Maybe food. Baboon listen. Man don’t. So man always in danger.
Please, Master Scientist, don’t do it. Don’t make me no human being. I ma very happy be baboon. Stop wid dat gene conversion. Please, Master Scientist. I beg. Please take away needle from my head. It hurt so sad.
When I turn human, you people will intolerate me. Everyone hate me because you human being not like each oder skin. You be dink skin equal heart of man.
You look skin and den dink man heart be bad. You look skin den dink man heart be cruel. You look skin den dink man be small. Dem dey look me and dink me be witch. Dem want to burn me. Dem want to kill me.
Ooh, Master Scientist, if I become man, den I must be show off.
I must be buy expensive nappies. I must be borrow someone else money to be buy expensive clodes. I must be borrow someone else money to buy big shelter I no be need. I must be stay away from where I be make living. I must be pay to get dere.
I must be borrow big money to be buy big car dat be stand all day and be wait, wait and wait for me to make money so I be pay for it. I be buy bitter water so I drink and drink and be drunk until I be like man mad.
Human being be free, but he make self slave. No, Master Scientist, I don’t want to be no man.
Kuzwayo is the founder of Ignitive, an advertising agency